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  • 雨枫轩原创文学网 - 纯净的绿色文学家园 !

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    有那么一个人让我爱恨交织

    时间:2019-10-04来源:网友提供 作者:张春 点击:
    有那么一个人让我爱恨交织


     
       哥哥和我,不算是非常亲密的兄妹。
     
      小时候他不喜欢我,常常揍我。还记得大概在我七八岁的时候,我拿着一把杀猪刀走到他面前跟他说:“我要杀了你。”他机敏过人,瞬间就明白什么是我最害怕的反应。他突然活泼地摇头晃脑起来,嬉笑着说:“你来呀,你来呀!”我气得手脚发软,刀也拿不动了。为数不多的几次反抗,均以失败告终。
     
      其实我小时候非常崇拜他,他是镇里远近闻名的神童和小大人,4岁时直接上二年级,二年级时就当大队长,开校会要站上小板凳才能够得着桌子上的话筒。他4岁时就和爸爸一起上台说相声,6岁时在陌生的大城市里迷路,冷静沉着地问路自己找到妈妈。
     
      我非常希望他带我一起玩。他发明了一个游戏,叫“妈妈接旨”,就是举着一块搓衣板喊“妈妈接旨”,然后说一大段半文半白、表扬妈妈的话。我就是那个跟在传圣旨的大官后面的、笑得前仰后合的小太监。
     
      他还发明了“录音机”的游戏——妈妈给我们俩一人一桶圆饼干,我舍不得吃,一直在舔第一块。他则立刻就吃光了,然后跟我说:“我们来玩‘录音机’吧!”怎么玩呢?就是假装他是一台录音机,饼干就是磁带。只要把饼干塞进他弄得扁扁的嘴里,按一下开关——鼻子,他就会哼哼唧唧地唱歌。如果再塞一块,就表示磁带翻面儿,他还会倒着唱呢!我把自己的饼干全都塞完,还在遗憾没有更多的磁带可以玩了。
     
      就算是他用烟盒里的锡纸包着自己的屁,然后用胳膊夹住我的头,逼我闻他的屁时,我一边哭着挣扎,一边还是觉得用锡纸包屁,真是好聪明。
     
      他对我的折磨简直罄竹难书。莫名其妙地打我就不说了,叫我张狗、死狗,也不说了。我有一个橡胶的洋娃娃,是当成亲生孩子来照顾的。但是他折磨我的时候,就把洋娃娃的头拧下来,哈哈大笑着一脚踢飞。那个情景对我来说,是无法言喻的惊悚和残酷,那个时候我真的恨透了他。
     
      长大以后我才知道,我一出生,妈妈顾不上照看他,而爸爸又很贪玩,也不管他了。神童很快明白,灾难的根源就是那个不知道从哪里来的臭烘烘的小孩。
     
      我小时候曾经在大院的墙上写粉笔字骂他:“张飞大王八。”因为实在太害怕被他知道是我写的,不惜又在旁边写上“张春大王八”。
     
      不到10岁时,我得知一个传说:吃耳屎会变哑。我收集了一些耳屎,准备给他下毒,但经过长时间、反复、审慎的思考,并没有那样做。
     
      我读初中时他读高中,我们在同一所学校,我非常怕他,在学校里远远看到他就汗毛倒竖地躲起来,暗叫:“完了完了!我哥来了!”
     
      我初中毕业后去外地读书,那是我第一次离开他,虽然他也在那个地方读大学。由于分离,他似乎变得喜欢我了一点。他听说宿舍的人欺负我了,脸色阴沉地来找我,眼睛血红。我跟他讲,事情已经过去了。他点点头回去,一共只说了两三句话。后来我才知道,他是怀里揣着棍子来的。
     
      有一回,他问我:“妹妹,你希望我成为一个什么样的人?”我说:“都可以吧。”他说:“不管我是亿万富翁还是要饭的,你都是我妹妹对吧?”那是多年来我们兄妹间屈指可数的几个煽情的瞬间之一。
     
      有那么几次,他骑车载我去学校,在后座他看不见我的地方,我神气活现地仰着头,希望每个人都能看见我。但一跳下车,我立刻拉长脸,装出漫不经心的样子,怕被他知道我喜欢这样,就再也不让我坐他的自行车了。
     
      十几岁的某一年,我偷偷喜欢上一个男孩,怀着“早恋”的巨大罪恶感,跟哥哥讲了。他说:“要是真喜欢就谈场恋爱嘛。”但过了几天,他打听了一番那个男孩的来龙去脉,怒气冲冲地对我说:“你什么眼光,人人都说他名声很差!”
     
      后来,我和一个小混混谈恋爱,那个男孩傻兮兮地居然给我哥写了封狗屁不通的邮件,大意是“我要跟你妹妹谈恋爱,要打要杀请随便”。我哥没有回复他,而是直接给我发了几个字:“你不配做我的妹妹。”
     
      我不知道他爱不爱我,不知道自己是什么样的人。我们一起坐火车出门,车站临时宣布要换车,要抢座位了。他听完一言不发,抓起所有的行李拔腿就跑。我想也没想立刻跟着跑。我们已经上了火车坐到了座位上,其他候车的人还在沿着通道往门口挤。他说他本来想自己先跑上去占座再来叫我,回头一看,我居然紧紧跟在他身后。他因此大感快慰,说再也不用担心我在外面会有事。我想,原来自己也是有一些能力的,和他一样敏捷沉着。更让人振奋的是,原来他是担心我的。
     
      在那之后的很长时间里,我突然变成了一个不向往恋爱的少女,我剪着很短的头发,拖着比自己还重的行李到处跑,跟骗子流氓斗智斗勇,认真读书学习,交朋友,变漂亮,努力去经历果断勇敢的人生。我渐渐长大,暗暗计划着做一个有能力的人。一次,因为一个争执,我气得浑身发抖,端起一锅粥走到他面前,泼到他身上,然后赶紧跑了。奇怪,小时候怎么从来没想到这么做呢?
     
      我似乎一直在尽量远离他。
     
      后来我果然走了,越走越远。我所选择的生活、结交的朋友、恋爱的对象,都尽可能地和他的标准不同。我们一年只见一两次面,甚至在网上也几乎不联系。某年端午节,他突然打电话祝我节日快乐,我吓得不轻,一直盘问是不是家里出了什么事。
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