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  • 雨枫轩原创文学网 - 纯净的绿色文学家园 !

    雨枫轩

    我们的心多么顽固(第九章)

    时间:2019-09-29来源:网友提供 作者:叶兆言 点击:
    我们的心多么顽固(全文在线阅读)  >  第九章

           阿妍的这场大病,足以改变一个人对世界的许多看法。在这之前,我一直觉得死亡是一件非常遥远的事情。经过这次手术,经过这一次次的化疗,我突然意识到死亡一伸手就可以触摸到。我突然意识到死亡原来就在我们身边悠闲地散着步。虽然过了五十岁以后,我老四已开始意识到年龄问题,但是说老实话,并没有真正地服老,至多也是口服心不服。现在,我突然意识到想不服老不行了,到这个岁数,经历了这样的事,还要指望自己能像年轻人一样逞强斗狠,已经无济于事。
           大约一年以后,电视台要做一档电视节目,谈谈老三届中知青这一代人的故事。我和阿妍以及冯瑞都上电视露了一回脸。做这节目的主持人,是我们当年一起插队时一个知青的孩子,在整个录制节目的过程中,她一口一个叔叔,一口一个阿姨,叫得十分亲热。我们也因为是熟人关系,一口答应参加这档节目,阿妍早早地就做好了精心准备,穿什么样衣服,烫什么样的发型,要不要化妆,应该是浓妆还是淡妆,没完没了地跟我唠叨。她不仅要为自己操心,而且也为我操心,一定要拉着我去买新衣服。
           我们都是第一次上电视,平时在电视屏幕上欣赏别人,现在轮到自己,既紧张又激动。录制节目前,我们一个个都被精心打扮了一下。负责化妆的人说,由于灯光的关系,我们的脸上,最好都应该淡淡地抹上些什么,都要稍稍地化点妆。对于生来就爱美的女士来说,这没有问题,对于我们几个大男人来说,却真还有些不好意思。
           冯瑞说:“我又不是第一次上电视,从来都没化过妆,这大老爷们的,涂脂抹粉算是怎么回事,不要让我们都这把年纪了,还要丢这个人好不好。”
           化妆师坚持说,这是综艺节目,是在室内的灯光下面,化不化妆,人的精神面貌会完全不一样。结果我们没办法,只好都听从化妆师的安排,可怜活到五十多岁了,为了上回电视,竟然又涂脂又抹粉,弄得脸上鼻尖上的汗珠子直冒。
           正式开拍前,冯瑞笑着对我说:
           “老四,你知道我想到什么,我想到了当年红卫兵宣传队演节目,我们这是一下子又他妈的回到了三十年多前。不过,那时候,宣传队里也轮不上我们出风头,我们不都是家庭成份不好吗?”
           我也笑了,看着冯瑞的脸,没办法不笑。
           “你不要盯着我看,我看你那脸,就知道自己的脸现在是怎么回事了,我们都不要互相对着看好不好,这真他妈受不了。”
           我笑得更厉害。
           冯瑞说:“真的,千万不要互相对着看,尤其过一会录节目,一看,非笑出来不可。”
           节目录制好了以后,过了一个多月才播。时间很长,分上中下三集,结果正式播放的那几天,收看这档节目成了阿妍心目中的头等大事,早早地就坐在那里苦苦等待。小鱼带着小鹏与我们一起收看,一边看,阿妍一边不停地笑。自从做手术以后,她从来没有这么开心过。在整个节目中,我几乎没说几句话,说得最多的是冯瑞,他小子是真能说,跟开会做报告一样,说什么都头头是道。还有个叫李辉的也很能说,阿妍也说了不少。做节目的十个人中,有两对夫妇,我们是其中一对,另一对就是李辉夫妇。我们这些人都是同一所中学毕业的,当年一起下乡插队,以后的命运却各不相同。这些人中,混得最好最阔的是冯瑞,其次是李辉,这两个人都是开着自己的私家车来的,主持人称他们两个为成功人士,其他的几位就不怎么样了,不是提前退休,就是下岗。
           播节目的过程中,不时地插播一些当年的老照片,小鹏看到阿妍年轻时的模样,拍手说奶奶那时候真漂亮。
           我笑着说:“开玩笑,不漂亮,我怎么会看中你奶奶。”
           在电视上,我也是这么说的。主持人问我,对于当年插队下乡,你最深刻的感受是什么,或者说,你印象中最深刻的记忆是什么。我想了想,笑着回答说,是找到了一个漂亮好看的老婆。
           屏幕上的人都笑了,主持人噗哧一声,手上的话筒差点掉下来,她大约也觉得自己笑得太厉害了,急忙用手遮自己的嘴,说蔡先生你真幽默,蔡先生你很会说笑话唉。
           等大家笑完,主持人说,蔡先生的意思是说青春无悔,因为在那广阔的天地里,你找到了属于自己的爱情。我说大道理也说不清楚,我这人不会说漂亮话,反正下这么一回农村,能找到这么一个好老婆,值得,我觉得很值得。主持人十分兴奋,又接着问李辉,对于我的观点,他有什么看法。李辉十分滑头,说当着自己老婆的面,有些话还真不好说。主持人问为什么,李辉一本正经地说,我要说是,老婆会说我没出息,是跟人家老蔡学的,一点创意都没有,我要说不是,老婆回家就饶不了我,我现在是怎么说都不对。
           看到电视上的自己,我和阿妍都有一个共同的感叹,就是没想到电视屏幕上的本人,竟然会那么老。平时你都是在注意别人,我看你,你看我,因此我和阿妍并不觉得对方与真实生活中有什么太大差别,电视镜头里虽然有些变化,再变也还是你原来熟悉的模样。不熟悉的只是自己的形象,看了这档电视节目,你好像是第一次有机会看到自己的真实面目。我们都比自己想象的样子要苍老,虽然经过了化妆,我和阿妍都不敢相信自己已是这副腔调。从电视屏幕上看自己,与从镜子中观看自己完全不一样,照镜子的时候,那是一种顾影自怜的状态,那是一种自己想看到或者说希望看到的模样,你对自己挤眉弄眼做表情,你是在自己骗自己。
           阿妍在电视屏幕上,坦然地谈到了自己的病情,谈到了她的手术,谈到了化疗,谈到了化疗给她带来的不适。她侃侃而谈,完全忘了自己正面对着摄像机镜头。阿妍谈到了我们这一代人的普遍处境,她竟然像领导干部一样,很会作总结,说我们什么样的不幸遭遇都轮到了。中学毕业,遇上文化大革命,结果下乡插队。恢复高考,年龄太大,原来学的功课也忘得差不多了。好不容易回城,工作没多少年,又赶上了下岗。反正倒霉的事情,这一代人是一样都没有躲过,好事轮不上,坏事接着来。
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